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Real Talk

Alright, y’all. Time to talk about some deep shit. Coffee, war, whiskey. Specifically –

I love Black Rifle Coffee Company, but why the shit are almost all of their mugs right handed mugs?!?

This may seem trivial. Believe me. It is not. I have spent many years in the frozen ass-end of nowhere, saving fuckholes and people without the good sense that God gave a mouse, and I would not have made it through those years without a solid supply of coffee. I’m typically a 10-14 mug (not cup, mug) in a shift kinda person, with the occasional thermos of tea and energy drink thrown in to keep the adrenals guessing. As a Boatswain’s Mate, and a Boatswain’s Mate that wasn’t smart enough to go somewhere warm, who stayed in the heavy weather track, this makes me one of a very small cadre of the most professional coffee drinkers in the world. Yes, we’re also some of the best drivers in the world, boat and otherwise, but this is important, damn it. This is coffee. Think we’re fucking around here? Mark it zero. There are rules here.

Coffee mugs should be left-handed. They’re left-handed so that you can get shit done with your right hand. Seaman Cluelessface needs help making up a line? Use your right hand, show him/her what’s up. Left is for coffee. BM3 Fuckass needs to be jacked up because he was trying to tap SN Cluelessface last night? Knife hand with the right, coffee in the left. CO coming aboard? Salute with the right. This is a winning formula. There is no reason to change it, and make things not work, by switching things around to the other hand.

You may be thinking, “But mugs are ambidextrous!”
Fuck off, I was getting there:

See this shit? No, not the shell casings or the top-notch bolt from a Tikka T-3, or the pennies to pay the ferryman. The mug. The Mjolnir mug. The mug that says, to quote Samuel L. Jackson, “Don’t fuck with me or I’ll shove a lightning bolt up your ass”. This mug is a left-handed mug.

If you’re a lefty, great, fine, wonderful, go buy a mug from BRCC. They kick ass anyway, I just wish they made either left-handed mugs or ambidextrous mugs.

I’m getting off topic. Zero Foxtrot. Zero Foxtrot, slightly code for Zero Fucks, is a badass company that celebrates the modern taboo of yesterday’s warfighter. Men like my grandfather, who struggled through that jungle hell, fighting a war for who-the-fuck-knows what, but fighting it anyway. Men like Carlos Norman Hathcock II, who stayed zero and kicked ass, and is featured on the Discovery Channel from time to time. Heros. Badasses. Men, and Women, the likes of which we don’t see very often these days.

I just don’t watch the ZF Youtube channel too often because it makes me cry like a six-foot-five musclebound man with overactive tear ducts (I’m not 6’5″), but that shit is intense.

Ahem, right. Coffee. I ordered a couple of mugs – Mjolnir is one – a patch, and a bag of the Soul Snatcher Blend. Some good coffee, that. I ordered pre-ground because it’s hard to fresh grind at work without hobnobbing with the hipsters, and I’d rather gouge my soul out with a rusty razor than do that, unless they are pretty women. Then they can be hipsters all they want, especially – off topic. Right. But the coffee is good; Nutty, smokey, slightly woodsy with a hint of acidity on the backend. Balances well with Irish or Scotch whiskey (or whisky), but the pre-ground does have a hint of oxidation to it that’s hard to reconcile with.

Good shit. For best results, get the whole bean and tell the hipsters to go fuck themselves.

Peace.

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